I knew I should have worn make-up.

Some thing's wrong with me. I think I've lost my identity. I noticed something about myself last night. Let me start over.

We've got a new 24hr fitness in town and I thought I'd try it out on their 7 day free pass. So I printed one up, figured it worked starting from the first day I took it in. I forgot to read the fine print.

They let me in when I got there. It was 7pm so I was flying solo.... Ross at home with the girls. Now my real need is to try out the gym WITH the girls so we can do the whole routine with the kids club that looks so cool, errands after, and see if it fits better in our lives than Golds. They hold my licence hostage so I can't leave afterwards and when I'm done of course I have to wait around for the sales agent. It ends up the membership manager is the one who leads me over to a table and as we walk, asks if someone has already gone over prices with me. I'm honest and confess that I have heard prices but that if I join I'll of course be joining through Costco where it's $300 for 2 years. What like $12 a month?? Can't beat that.

Of course they don't get paid when we join that way and his face makes that pretty clear. Then he turns around and says "well you better hurry up and buy it if you hope to come back because this pass has expired"

"oh no-- I thought it started when I came in"
"nope" with those raised brows like, 'too bad so sad'
"well, my real reason in printing out the pass was so I could come with my kids and see how they liked it"
"oh, they'll like it."
"But I'd really like to make sure. You know, see if I like the girls that work in the kids club and all of that."

He shrugs, and his shoulders say to me "not my prob girl! --- the pass has expired-- end of convo-- Take your costco-shopping, gym-pass-mooching, work-out-needing booty outta here!(his shoulders are totally ghetto.)
"So there's nothing you can do for me? Seriously? I thought the pass worked for a week-- I wouldn't have printed it up if I'd realized...."
"You want more free stuff??? You already used your free stuff."

and then I'm a little offended and with a very perplexed slash annoyed look on my face (I'm sure)

"I guess I just figured that the two years of my membership would be worth the extra hour or two of our visiting your gym to decide. I figured that was the whole point of the 7-day pass. Not actually just to trick people into using just a day of it."

"Really?" (he says all sassy like I would in an argument just like this which really threw me off since a: HE's the one that works there and b: he's like a 50 year old man with a mustache and bald head) "Really, you're gonna do this?"

And then I made this face. You can't see it... but I can't help but make it even as I type this because I was and am still so confused that we were so blatantly arguing.... and that I could have sworn any second he was going to push my shoulders back with something original like "step up". And I'm very uncertain if our voices were raised of if people were watching. It's all a blur now. So I just looked at him with my mouth agape I'm sure and my eyes wide like.... where did I go wrong that he's treating me like some teenage BOY trying to milk a free pass. I'm going to join your stinking gym. I'm a grown up. I pay my bills. I have food storage. I'm always a member of a gym. I'm a member of one now--- I don't NEED your stinking free pass.... and did I mention, I'm FEMALE??? Aren't you supposed to be nice to me? innately? I'm nice! I have a very warm inviting smile! are you dead inside??!

I'm afraid to reread because I'm sure it sounds so much sillier than it was. Or worse, not silly at all and sort of just not worth telling. But somehow it was all so traumatic. Even brought the waterworks off and on through the rest of my night. It happened on a bad day of the month (sorry) so perhaps my hormones were bonkers... maybe I'm the crazy lady and he's a nice professional. Maybe I was ruder than I thought. But that's the worst part! I felt so unsure when I left if the whole sales staff thinks I'm one of those trouble customers... a rude "lady."

And this is where I've lost my identity. I've realized that when I go places with my kids.... I'm a young fun mom. Or I like to tell myself so. People smile at me because of my cute kids and I smile back. I have an excuse for all things disheveled, an excuse for my tummy, I'm in a very clear, respected genre (again... or at least I tell myself.)

When I'm out without my kids? I'm not so sure anymore. I've just realized that I don't get the pleasant glances I did when I was that "younger-cute" of my pre-baby days. I'm convinced it was different, even from women, kids, everyone.... I felt like I got a lot of smiles when I was younger. Now when I'm alone, I'm don't have enough fresh-young-cute to elicit friendly faces on my own, but I don't have my sweet girls to get them for me.... or maybe it's all just me and I'm so grateful for the peace and quiet of being alone that I don't interact with anyone... or I've forgotten how to be social and just stare at the floor. Hmpf. All I know is I've lost somethin'.

And then I wonder, who DO I look like on my own? I sort of feel all mommy. But I sort of feel just like I did when I was like 17? Can people tell just by looking at me that I'm a mom? Have I already reached that stage of life? I mean it's WONDERFUL. And when I'm with my kids I'm bursting with pride. So I should want people to get my mommy-vibe even when I'm without them, right? Without that, I'm not so sure where I fit, but if they can see it without the kids there... well what does that say??? "That tummy... those blood shot eyes.... that mystery smear on her shoulder she doesn't know is there? Definitely a mommy."

So I'm not sure what I want. And I know I'm all over the place. But thanks for the therapy session.