I'm not offended!

This was my third baby... I had no illusions that I would spring right back to pre-pregnant shape any time soon. I knew you left the hospital still looking full term. Or I knew I did.

The first week was the hardest, I couldn't even figure out what to throw on to come down and watch TV with my mom and Ross. I couldn't even figure out what to throw on if I was ALONE with the kids-- or what to throw on to sleep. By definition, nothing in my closet (or Ross's, sadly) could be "thrown on". It was more of a peel and shimmy and tuck.

My teenie friend, Lizzie had always told me of times people asked her if she was pregnant after she'd had a baby. I always assured her it was actually a compliment. It meant the REST of her body was still teenie tiny and all she had was tummy left from her 9-pounders. Who wouldn't?

I promised myself (knowing it would happen this time), that it wouldn't even offend me, why WOULDN'T people think I'm pregnant? I'd rather that than have them assume that I ALWAYS sport this.... unique.... figure.

So when I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since I had Finn, and decided to wear a fitted ribbed tank just like I would have before, I knew perfectly well that my very-much-still-over-sized tummy was on display. I had decided it was a lot easier for me to dress like I'm still pregnant and just embrace my very convex profile than to try to find something loose enough to actually be loose.

So obviously I shouldn't have been surprised when this nice random, older man stopped at my elliptical machine and started telling me about his daughter who was in labor RIGHT THEN. He was rattling on about her as I was thinking "hmm.... how nice, he must recognize me from before and know I just had a baby"...

That's what's sad. It didn't click--- until he finally said "so when are you due?"

"Oh..... er... I'm not pregnant, I just HAD a baby--- uh... but I'm not offended!" --- I really did belt that out at the end. In some attempt to convince myself I'd won? I was mature and realistic and fully prepared for those kinds of questions... wasn't even going to phase me... I'd promised myself I wouldn't be offended.

But now there's still this uncomfortable guy in front of me trying to back-pedal as I try desperately to make it all UN-awkward and give him (or me) excuses like "he was almost 10 pounds!" and "it was my third!".... and "you know.... all that holiday eating...sheesh!"... while he's slowly inching back and just repeating--- "well congratulations."

And then I'm left there pretending to read my book on my new kindle (LOVE it)... wondering who around me was tuned in and is now feeling sorry for me. And as I resist the urge to make an announcement on the gym's loud speaker, "NOT offended! Fully prepared for this reaction!--- aware of abnormally large tummy!" I realize that there's just no way around it. I can't protect my pride by convincing everyone I'm fine with my bowl full of jelly. Turns out, it's quite embarrassing- for everyone.

Oh-- if only I could freeze Finn at today but fast-forward my body a couple of months...

A baby post

No--- not my own. But if you saw me in person you might think THAT post should come any day. I get comments like these daily:

"when's that baby due? Today? Tomorrow?"

"You must be having twins" -- nope--- "Well.... then your doctor's wrong." (I laugh politely-- and swear under my breath.) just kidding.

"How much longer?" then I respond accurately... and their face turns to utter disbelief.

It's getting kind of old. And I dread places like Costco or the Stater Brothers near the Del Webb community of old people. For some reason they're the worst. Maybe it's been so long since they've been pregnant, they don't EVER remember being that big.... like I don't EVER remember being as little as HS students today. Or maybe they really didn't get nearly as big since the medical community shamed them if they gained over 20 pounds back then... but let them light up a cigarette after labor.

(A lady at the gym told me that from personal experience. She's not even that old-- true story.)

I should clarify after my last pregnancy post. I am SOO grateful to be pregnant. So grateful for healthy children so far and healthy pregnancies. I'm so grateful I am able to GET pregnant without too much trouble and hope that my complaining doesn't seem so trivial and unthoughtful when there are so many that struggle with that. Life's good.... I just think it will be better at the end of December. :)

Oh and more of this darling baby Jackson over here.

31 weeks

- I'd usually prefer to cut off the opposite part, and leave just the head.... seems ironic. (That weird line at the top is the top of my computer armoire... which casts a reflection-- hence the giraffe-look. Took me a second..)

- Once I hit 30 weeks, I felt like I was in the home stretch.... but now I already feel like I've run out of steam... forgot to pace myself... and just might wack one of these last hurdles with my knee and fall on my face like I did in high school. Less literally.

-If ONLY it were just 330 meters.... feels more like a marathon. Or like that crazy cross-country run that Forrest Gump did. No I would NOT know what that feels like. (The marathon I mean... the other is clearly too obvious to mention) I haven't joined that craze yet.

- But I want to after this baby comes. I think I need a competitive goal after it's all over. Not a marathon... but some real race. Maybe a fun one. Like a Ragnar.... is it just us Mormons or is it a new craze with everyone? I'm feeling nervous about this whole third-time thing. Like maybe things will never really go back where they started. I think a new goal might help.

- This photo? That's pretty much my uniform, I get in one of my black pairs of workout pants, and one of my long enough black tanks (I like other colors... but seem to only find them long enough in black???) every morning before the gym, and take my sweet time changing out of it. Finding something else... even just to wander the house, has proven to be EXTREMELY challenging. I really don't remember it being this bad with the last ones.

- People constantly ask me when I'm due and then act shocked that it's not sooner. It's great.

- Something positive? He moves like a crazy animal and I LOVE it. I see my belly jolting out of the corner of my eye all day long.... this is what I miss when it's over. I think it's amazing to feel this tiny person I'm going to love so INTENSELY, growing and moving around so cozy and safe inside my belly. Bonding with me. I love it.

- Not so positive: (some more, I should say) Are you ready? These last couple of nights have been the worst sleep ever, with:

-My usual crippling sciatic pain at the slightest movement.

-A very impatient bladder that unfortunately requires more than slight movement.

- Like a THOUSAND calf cramps that pull me out of sleep, with that confusing... do I stretch it or relax it.... I'm too tired to remember! battle going on in my head.

- Then of course I have a stupid cold that makes me feel like I'm drowning (gross I know, where you're swallowing all night long so you can still breathe.) And I'm scared because I remember feeling like once I got a cold when I was pregnant before.... my body could never kick it. Crossing fingers.

- Mixed with the results from getting the Pertussis vaccine the other day. She warned me that my arm would be pretty sore... I was thinking like a little bruise. I DIDN'T think it would make it so I couldn't sleep comfortably on my right side which is how I ALWAYS sleep right now so I can have my fan blowing right in my face. What's an overheated pregnant woman to do?

-Why didn't she offer to do it in my LEFT arm? So it wouldn't kill every time I lift it to pass a sippy back in the car or put dishes back in the cupboard, or brush my hair teeth? (who am I kidding... I don't brush my hair.)

- I'm aware that I don't use bullets right.... no consistency. Still- I think it's how my mind works these days. If it works. I've fixed SO many weird spelling/grammar or totally nonsensical mistakes just as I've written this. I'm sure you'll find more.

- I feel a little like Gloria from Modern Family... and English is my first language.

- That's misleading. English is my only language.

-Was that not the funniest episode ever? "Welcome to the Nay-ber-hoooood...." I can still hear her weird Americanized Latin voice and a laugh rises to my throat every time. "Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat dogs?!"

- Back to pregnancy--- you'll be happy you're still reading if you've made it this far... weight gain? dun dun dun----- 39 pounds. And I still have 8 weeks to go. I'm pretty sure my last pregnancies capped out at 40. I'm blaming the boy.

- I've got so much left to do--- I haven't bought him anything... I bought the paint for the room but that's as far as I've gotten. We've got a list of names, but are very noncommittal. And I'm realizing that weekends are filling up and with the holidays--- he's going to be here before we know it. Even if I do feel like my body might give up far before then.

- I can't wait. I know it's going to be hard and overwhelming--- and we'll be tired--- and I'll long for the days of huge firm belly when it's sloshing around afterwards (sorry for that visual-- particularly if you're a boy)--- but I still can't wait. I can't wait to be forced to ignore everything else when possible--- and just lay with him snuggled into me on the couch at night-- or watch him rise and fall on Ross' chest with his breathing. Or bring the girls home from school just to gather around and watch him be cute. I can't wait to see his face in the operating room (c-sections), and I can't wait 'till that same face REALLY focuses on my face for the first time a few weeks later. And then smiles.... and then smiles at his sisters.... and yet I know I'll want to freeze him right away and just watch his body arch into the C when he yawns for the rest of my life.

- I can't wait.

Twelve weeks on Monday… but I couldn't wait another day

This was taken at like 10 and a half weeks. I think I usually go to the doctor earlier, so that first ultrasound is just a heart beat or a circle in a sac…. this was amazing to me that I could already see the baby! Wiggling…. floating… arms moving…. fingers.

It never gets old. Amazing.

Ross and I were talking and it's almost even more emotional and amazing this time around because we're that much more aware of what it all means. I can hear Sophia pray fervently on her knees, BY HERSELF in the other room that Heavenly Father not give us a big earthquake "I won't forget about you, and please don't ever ever forget to NOT make a big earthquake" (we had a little one the other night and she's been watching a lot of the Living Scriptures), and I can listen to Mila tell me the details of her snow-monster dream and how she doesn't want to go on the Matterhorn again even though the snow-monster said "RARRRR I'm nice Mila, I'm your friend!"...

…. and I can't wait to hear what this little one is going to have to say. With two parents AND two older sisters to adore and teach and lead, I can only imagine.

The first few weeks were rough, I felt really icky and nauseous and tired and emotional… and then my dad passed. It was a lot. I have good friends---- thanks…. all of the kind words were that much more needed.

I feel more lumpy and heavy than I ever remember feeling at the beginning of pregnancy--- I'm not even 12 weeks and if you're local, I'm SURE you've been wondering if I'm having a baby… or just ate something similar in size. The only thing that made me feel better those first few weeks was eating, so I seriously ate ALL day long. I was so sick of food and coming up with things that sounded palatable. But it was worth it to curb the nausea.

So I don't know if it's partly showing earlier on the third baby, and partly eating like I'm storing up for winter, or just entirely the latter. But I'm certainly nervous for the next 28 weeks at this rate. I stare at my closet and try clothes on for like a half hour before I go anywhere in one of the same two tunics. Or work out clothes of course. And it's swim suit season. Rad.

And then last night I checked my old friend Erika's blog, from my BYU Hawaii days…. she's pregnant too…. but apparently is of a different species than me. Check her out. You kill me Erika.

BUT--- it's worth it. I'm so aware that it's all worth it. I can't wait to feel it kick and elbow and stretch and hiccup… I can't wait to have Ross lay his head on my belly to hear the heart beat (he really can--- it's comforting at the end), and make him leave his hand there at an awkward angle longer than he'd like, to feel the movement. I hate being pregnant but I LOVE being pregnant. You know?