a. Bachelor- you- the show, WHY did you pick Jake? Did everyone else refuse? I'm in to nice guys-- I married one. But this is not just a nice guy. This is a nice, humorless guy with the silliest laugh and the WORST cheese who agrees to let the show video-tape him doing things like soaping up his tummy in the shower, and takes his shirt off every chance he gets (accept in the clip where he was actually in a pool and should have had it off.... what?) No really, he's very nice. But really?
b. Reid, Where are you?! Decide you were above the Bachelor? We agree. And we're happy for you but sad for us.
c. Hot blonde model that looks like Hillary Duff mixed with Scarlet Johansan--- wow. Who can blame you for relying on your looks. I hope you go home soon so my husband doesn't fall in love with your cheekbones and lips like I am. (Yes, I make Ross watch it with me.) But I don't think you will (go home). I think you'll be the one to have an affair with some hot camera-guy.
d. Jillian, what were you thinking taking Ed to that party with the hot blonde? Thinking you regretted that one.
e. You, with the yellow dress that tore when you tripped and the raspy, sick, voice--- I like you. Were I the bachelor, and therefore a single boy hunting for a wife on a ridiculous but addicting reality show, I'd pick you. Yellow dress, raspy girl, you had me at "I've lost boyfriends to video games"... what is wrong with our world? But really--- I think we'd be friends. But I used to think that about Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston ... and I'm not sure they'd feel the same.
f. You with the tears and the bikini and the dancing on the beach---- the dance theatre and the Ariel etc.... , you're very nice, but I would never pick you if I were the Bachelor. But I think you are perfect for our Jake and I think you'll win. I picked you for him before you gave him a kiss and before he gave you that first rose, and I'm making you my official bet. Disney Princess, I think you'll marry your prince. But since that could be a little boring, I think The Bachelor will distract us with tons of outrageous drama all along the way. And while my eyes will be alternately rolling back in my head in disgust and then down in shame, I will be there every step of the way.