Monday, May 24, 2010

Sunday baking

There's a constant battle in my mind over baking. I LOVE to bake. And I'm sure I'll never stop or anything, so I guess it's not so much a battle…. just little debate in my head over whether to feel good… or guilty.

There's nothing more homey, or comforting to me than the smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies or homemade bread. I still remember one of the most magical things to me as a kid (besides the foil pouches full of juice I got at soccer games (capri suns) ) was that moment where you stir the chocolate chips in to the dough and it just-- looks--- like--- heaven. We always got one big spoonful before the cookies were baked. As we got older, we snuck lots more.

However, while looking through old photos for good ones of my dad, I've been forced to realize that all of the spoonfuls of cookie dough seemed to have left a little bit of residue…. on my cheeks, my arms, my thighs…. a little bit everywhere really. I think I must have fluctuated 20 pounds through high school and I never had a clue. I felt perfectly lovely.

I WISH I could enjoy that sort of oblivion now, but I'm convinced that once you've had a baby and you look back at the pictures of your blown-up pregnant body, you hear the record screech--- and the curtain's been lifted. You know too much. You can never again blissfully munch your way to an extra 15 pounds with the pleasure of not noticing.

Oh no--- your body tells you--- I remember this feeling, and last time it left me looking like a Dr. Suess character. (Ok… I stole that from Mad About You I think? Is that right Sarah?) But isn't she spot on? It's like all of my proportions turned upside down after babes. Which just means that every extra pound I do accrue doesn't find it's way to those curves we can justify as womanly… oh no, mine all join forces to give me extra manly curves, like the ones we so tenderly call, muffin tops, or the belly of a drinker.

But my point is. This does not come CLOSE to stopping me. I love my treats. I love the smell and feel of homemade goodies. And I know that as long as all things are in moderation, life is good. But there are those times when I feel so much admiration for a health NUT. Like a full-on NUT. I don't like the ones that obsess outwardly about it. And talk to you like if you're starving and snacking on your kid's gold-fish you must think that refined sugars and starch are good for you. But the ones who eat so clean and pure, you know they must feel like an Olympic athlete all the time--- I have so much respect--- I think there's something to it.

And this is when I wish I didn't feel a warming of my SOUL through baking. :) The garbage on grocery store shelves, we can live without (when we're not lazy), but the clicking of the gas in the oven and the smell of butter and sugar (since that's all that REALLY matters) browning… I think it's here to stay.

And SO, so is my muffin top.

I'm so glad I've resolved this through this post. Ross, I hope you're ok with my decision.


Kym said...

Lillie, you're beautiful. Chocolate chip evidence and all. Keep baking!!

D3AB said...

Thanks for posting that. Loved it. And, what muffin top? You look great!

Julie said...

I would be laughing if only I hadn't not had this same conversation in my own head for the past year. When I am pregnant and nursing I am HUNGRY. Hungry for home baked goods. I eat gigantic snickerdoodles for breakfast (You should try it, divine) and banana bread for lunch. By dinner I've polished off the remainder of cookies in the cookie jar, and then found the secret stash I hid "just for me." There is a reason I have not lost my baby weight. So, so sad.

... but so, so delicious.

Christin said...

Don't feel guilty. Just work a little harder at the gym and eat all the cookies you want. It's an even trade.

Lindsay Griffeth said...

What happens when a starving, nursing mama reads this blog entry at 4pm yesterday?

I immediately made cookies.

Can you teach me the moderation technique? Because I haven't mastered that yet.

And you don't have a muffin top.

S.A.S. said...

I'll always remember our talk where we decided there were two kinds of happy: happy to be stick thin, or happy to eat ice cream every day. We chose the latter. A little too easily. Somehow, you manage to look increasingly beautiful, so if it's due to Sunday baking - I'm taking it up!

I can't get over the PILE of choc chip cookies I ate at your house. Perfect choc chip cookies that I have yet to recreate. I think I might pay you to send a batch one day...

The Andersens said...

Lillie! How are you? I have been meaning to comment on your blog. Erin told me your Dad passed away. Your family has been in our prayers. I love what you have written about him, and I love how you write! Your family is absolutely beautiful... I need to come look at your blog more :)

The Andersens said...

oh p.s. I need to comment on the "treats" post... You had me laughing...Because that 'battle in your head' is the story of my life! I cant seem to get this baby weight off. Well now my babies are 9 months old, can I still call it "baby weight"? or should I call it "I really love to eat treats" weight... Whatever it is I need to do something..and fast! oh..but I really love treats..!! haha. Thanks for sharing... :)