The lament of a mommy... (a long one-- you might want to opt out, or find a comfy spot in the couch.)

The house is quiet-- the girls are sleeping. All should be well with the world. Accept that my mind is busy with thoughts of this:

It shouldn't be that hard to get a total of TWO things accomplished during the day outside of keeping my kids alive and my house somewhat in order. But today? The gym and the store. That's all I was shooting for. Both before nap-time--- also doesn't sound like much of a feat you think? I know. It's sad really.

So I put Mila down early for her morning nap so we'll be SURE to get to the gym before Sophia is already getting sleepy--- it works, we arrive there before 11--- (not very early, I know, but just humor me and pat my back) the gym is a success, which it has NOT been for the last couple of months of Mila's separation anxiety onset, and I even squeeze in tanning. (I can't believe I just confessed that. It's humiliating-- I know I'm not 17 anymore and I know it's not good for my skin and I know it makes you stink like burning flesh and I know I'll regret it when I'm ... ahem 29 (I'm already seeing signs of age) but that's just it--- I had to. I keep hitting these slumps of "what is going on with my face? where did all the pretty go?" you know those slumps? And there's only so much you can do to make yourself feel a little prettier in 15 minutes and that's one of them. So there. Hah. Judge all you want.

Anyway--- back to the gym--- a whole workout-- upper body, AND cardio PLUS the tanning. We were off to a really good start. ( Except for the fact that there was even time for a moment with the scale... sigh) Mila was so infatuated with the newly crafted hanging spiders and pumpkins she hardly noticed my absence. Hooray! So efficient. Every one's doing so well, I packed peanut butter and jelly. Let's go for it. On to the store. (Again, I realize how pathetic it all sounds, but something has been awry with Sophia's naps lately and I'm JUST not ready to let them go, not even close, and traveling at the wrong time and missing that sleepy mark messes it all up so I've been a little LESS ambitious these days. )

So we make it to the store with everyone alert and relatively happy. We shop and shop and shop and shop. I'm feeling like I hit the jackpot as SO many of our staples are half off at F&E today. I load up on pesto and salmon and crusty bread and chicken, hamburgers and lettuce and spinach artichoke dip (have you tried that yet? It's really good and pretty light, no cream or butter, just some Parmesan ...mmmm mmm). My kids have devoured like 4 bananas, half a cart of raspberries, and a couple of string cheeses. Mila broke into the grapes without my noticing and I'm stepping on them as she drops them. Her once soft and sweet baby face is covered with squished banana, sticky grape juice and (dare I say) dirt... yup, because they weren't washed and were indeed that dirty.

Sophia's skipping around the store and running where I can't see her which I ALWAYS say will result in being confined to the cart, but I never follow through with seeing as I have no room for her amidst the half-off curry-chicken and garlic artisan bread! So I've made my scene, we're clobbering our way through the store ever so UN-gracefully (I even catch someone watching me dance very un-cool-like to make my girls laugh when I thought nobody was looking) strangers keep informing me of the grape stuck to the bottom of my shoe or that Mila looks like she might climb out, or that my eldest is banging the cart into the refrigerator section.... but I keep pushing through because we're here, and we're almost done, and I'm so excited to EAT some of this food. And then I reach the checkout and ... of course I still have to ring it up myself because it's Fresh and Easy and that's how it works so I battle my three-year-old who wants to help by putting everything on the belt before I scan it and screams when I pull it back to scan it "NO I DO IT!!!!!... and I'm distracted because I'm finding things like salami and pork burgers that I never put in the cart... Sophia..... and then I'm finally done and reach for my wallet.

And there is no wallet.

It's still in Ross' backpack from Disneyland... that's what I get for not doing a DARN thing yesterday. I didn't even notice it wasn't in my purse.

Blast.

Certainly there must be some way to pay with no form of payment. An I.O.U? A call for my husband's credit card number? Keep my eldest? ;) Nothing? Really?

So just like that, we wasted an hour of our precious time, put the store in disarray, left bagged groceries (many of which had already been eaten!) just sitting there, and said goodbye. It was definitely nap time by then and there was no way I was driving all the way home and back.

So now I'm home--- they both fell asleep on the way home, which is wonderful, but I feel like my whole day was a total flop now, because I couldn't get my groceries home. And THERE is my problem. Really? Grocery shopping and the gym? That's what I do. I have watched so many moms who seem to be so incredible at this job (my own included) and sometimes I just think it's so stinkin hard. Not even the whole crazy-kids-who-scream-and-cry-and-throw-fits-and-make-you-crazy. It's just really hard to get to the end of the day feeling exhausted and totally unaccomplished, all at the same time. Before kids, it seemed much simpler. Either I was busy and had lots to show for my day-- or I was free and had a wonderfully lazy day. Both have something to offer. But all too often now, I find myself trying to attack that ONE extra thing on my to-do-list for days before I get around to it. Which really means I checked off one whole thing in like an entire week! I'm not making money, I'm not hitting goals, I'm not winning in ANY kind of competition, but neither am I getting lots of R&R and me-time in. WHAT AM I DOING ALL DAY?

THAT's what I think is maybe the hardest thing about being a mom for me. Ross doesn't care what I do all day, he's not quizzing me or judging my productivity... and I'm sure nobody else is either... but I constantly feel like "I was busy --- I swear I was really busy--- but I haven't a thing to show for it." (Believe me, I know that these two things I call my girls are better than any accomplishment in the whole wide world... but don't interrupt my ramblings with something so obvious please.;))

I loved school, and I hated it. I hated working... and I loved it (I switch the order because I hated working more than I loved it, I'll admit). I love competition. I love being able to quantify how good you are at something so that there's really no room to wonder where you fall. I think it's why I liked math. So objective. And see, now that I'm a mom? I bet I won't remember a darn thing once my kids are learning algebra... what was the point?!

So maybe I should take some classes or something.. but when would I have time for that? What with all the ..... gym and grocery store runs.... and the cleaning.... and the feeding, and the cleaning up again after the feeding, and the cleaning up of the messes that were made while I was cleaning up after the feeding.... oh the life I lead!

To sum it up: I feel like writing. I like to ramble. But I AM so grateful for my two coolest little girls. There just has to be opposition in all things right? Motherhood can't ONLY be tutus and big blue eyes or I probably wouldn't appreciate both of those things so much. But I'm just reaching a point in my life where I understand why women go back to work even if they don't have to, or start a business or take on great new hobbies. We're not supposed to compete as moms--- that's all wrong---- but what if we like competition?! It's time for me to get really good at something... any ideas? Anyone want to play competitive scrabble or something?